--». welcome to my world

[nicotardle.]

... where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone ~

"Why can't I forget?" The voice, which was low, but also deep, came from somewhere above the plant ridden ground. If someone were to pass by, they wouldn't notice the man sitting on one of the sturdy branches of just one of the many trees in the forest unless they had a good eye, or if they were looking for someone who just so happened to be in a tree. But really, who would be doing that? The man, who looked to be in his early twenties, seemed to be slightly lost but more-so in his own world than in reality. His legs, which were covered by a pair of charcoal gray cargo jeans, were draped over either side of the branch upon which he was sitting on and he sat with his back against the rough bark of the trunk. He brought his right leg up and bent it at the knee, placing the palm of his rather large hand on top of it as he brushed away a strand of golden hair away from his gray eyed gaze with his other hand. By the looks of it, he seemed troubled but there was no telling what it was that was bothering him.

A cool, light rain was falling from the grim looking sky, dropping down on to his bare chest and traveling down the lines worn into his tanned skin. "I don't want to remember," he muttered quietly as he slid further down in position, ignoring the slight stinging he felt from the bark scratching into his back. A sudden gust of wind burst through the area, tosseling his already messy and tangled hair; he didn't bother to fix it this time. There was a lot going through his mind - things from his past, mostly. Things he could see as clear as day right in front of him as if they were happening all over again. Friends, enemies, family... they were all there. Images, voices, memories both good and bad... they would never go away. They would haunt him for all eternity and he hated it. It was a curse he would be stuck with for the rest of his life. There were times he would find himself wishing he was normal like everyone else he saw, but he would quickly punish himself for thinking such a thing. Why be normal like the rest of society? What was the point in trying to fit in like every other person in the world?

"There isn't one, idiot," he said, a tinge of anger in his voice. "I'll just be a special little snowflake," he scoffed, kicking at the tree branch with one combat boot covered foot. He fell silent then, sinking back into the black abyss that was his mind. He would never be normal. He was born different than the rest and nobody knew it but himself. He was beginning to realize that he was as fake as the people he came across when he ventured out into the city - pretending to be something they were not. He was doing just the same. Nobody would be able to tell just by looking at him, but he wasn't human and there was no way he could just go and tell someone that. They would have him institutionalized if they ever heard about his past. He was restricted from being his true self, but what exactly was his true self now that he was different? Was he just making up excuses from letting himself be the way he wanted to be, or was it something else? His already dark gaze grew darker. He would never really know.

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[::WOLFURchik::]

The sounds of the forest were no where near as intense as she remembered it. Before, she could hear everything; the owl hooting, the breeze carrying a lost leaf, a lone person talking to himself amongst the trees; but now, now it was all silence.

She both hated and loved it. In one way, it meant that it would be harder to hear somebody attacking, and she was often paranoid because of it. And in another way... It was kind of soothing. Hearing the silence meant that all other people were tucked away in there homes, and Salena could strut about however she pleased.

She did love the new sights though... this forest was especially beautiful, and now that she could actually recognize its vast array of colors, well... it sure beat the heck out of black and white.

She shivered a bit as a cold wind chilled past her, blowing her around around clumsily. That was another thing she couldn't make up her mind about... having no fur meant no insulation from cold weather. However, it did mean staying cool during the summer, and if you got too cold, you could always just put on extra clothes.

Her foot came in contact with a rock, and she accidentally kicked it. The clinking sound that it made as it bounced down the rocky trail alerted her senses. 'Calm down.' She reminded herself, trying to teacher herself that most people wouldn't get so worked up over such a silly thing.

She glanced up at the milky moon, careful to avoid the stars. The moon... it was the only thing that was the same anymore. It brought her back to her other life... she had some good times that she could remember, but all she could think about where the nightmares.

She gently closed her eyes and stopped walking all together. She took in a deep, cold breath, trying not to remember those nightmares. Losing the love of her life... searching him down, only to be rejected time and time again... Watching her only daughter pass away of old age before she ever had. I guess that is what happens when you live forever...

She glanced up at the single feather in her hair. It was the last of them. It would be so easy to reach up and pluck it out... to toss it away, and end her life. It was so tempting... something she fought nearly every night after gazing at the moon.

She shook her head and gazed forward, continuing her walk. Today would not be the day she commits suicide. After all, she was over all that. She had a new life. She could forget all about that damn shaggy wolf she had left behind, and she could find some new friends, maybe even eventually find somebody else to settle down with.

Oh who was she kidding? She was still deeply in love, and that was what scared her. She was a human now, she couldn't go back to a wolf. Even if she did, and he recognized her scent, he would never have forgiven her.

She glanced around, looking for that one particular tree... that one tree with the best view of the moon. Without her sense of smell, it was harder to find, but not too difficult. Her eyes finally settled on it, its bark scratched away at the bottom; her lazy attempt at marking it for future reference.

She glanced up into its branches. They were the same branches where she had shed many tears before, remembering her nightmares, and crying for her daughter. She may not have looked it, but Salena was well over a hundred years. Instead, she only had the appearence of a ninteen year old, if even that.

Her wandering thoughts came to an ebrupt halt as she noticed the figure sitting above her, in her favorite tree. It was male... She backed away a bit. Remembering that humans considered males and females to be equal, she called out to him.

"Sir... I- I'm sorry to er..." She tried to think of the right words. "Disturb you... but, this is my favorite tree. You see... it is the only tree in this entire forest with such a beautiful sight of the moon..." She frowned, not quite sure what she was asking the man.

"Could you please... find a seperate tree?"

[nicotardle.]

Kaige was deep in thought, staring off into oblivion with a sea of memories. It was like browsing through the television channels the people around here had. A comical memory, a dramatic memory, a memory full of action and adventure, another one of love... it was like the shows people watched, only he was the only one watching these and he didn't want to. He wanted to forget and move on with his life, but it would never be possible. That thought caused him to growl inwardly, something that was definitely inhuman of him, but what did he care? There wasn't anyone else around, not for miles; or so he thought. He was so lost in his world he had know idea someone else was headed his way.

Hearing someone speak to him jolted him from his thoughts and gave his heart a start. He hadn't expected anyone to be around, especially out where he was. Realizing that he had been startled, and probably looked like a fool, he quickly gathered his composure. "Excuse me?" he said rudely, looking rather annoyed, something that was common with him. He shook his tangled hair from his face and focused his gray eyes on the girl. After studying her for a moment, he shrugged. She didn't seem like a threat, not that he was worried. She wasn't anyone important, nor was she someone he knew. He took his gaze away from her and looked around the area as if he were searching for something inparticular. "I'm sorry," he began, sarcasm leaking into his tone, "but I don't see a sign or anything like that around here stating that this tree belongs to someone."

He swung his other leg up on the branch and pushed himself up to a standing position, managing to keep his balance without a problem. Most normal humans seemed to have trouble with that, but he wasn't like most humans, nor was he really... 'normal'. He crossed his muscled arms over his chest and looked down to the girl as if he were challenging her. "This is a free country as far as I can tell. I do believe I can sit in any tree I want to sit in." He was trying to avoid it, but a smirk was beginning to creep along the corner of his lips; it was something he used to do far too often as a wolf. "Why don't you go find another tree? This may be your 'favorite' tree and you may have been here before, but I've beaten you to it today so why don't you go find another tree?" he asked, looking defiant and feeling suddenly rebellious.

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[::WOLFURchik::]

Salena blinked at the man. Stubborness. That was something she realized that all human men had. She was used to it after all. She was used to the stubborness, and the rudeness. She was used to being pushed and shoved, and she was used to anger. This man had nothing in him that she hadn't already seen before.

Silently, she shrugged, walking up to the base of the tree. She ran her finger over the scratches in the bark. They were made with a knife... with the nails she had now, it would be impossible to make. She lookd up at the man once more. "I do believe this tree has much more emotional value to me than it does for you, but I won't argue with you. "

She grabbed a hold of one of the branches and swung herself up on it. Ha. aposable thumbs. They sure did come in handy. She reached for the next branch and hoisted herself onto that one. "Well, if you are too stubborn to move, then I will just pretend that you aren't there. You see that moon? It is my only friend. I must talk to her today, I have so much to tell her. This tree is big enough for two humans." Boy did it sound weird to say that.

When she reached the branch that the man was standing on, she simply sat down, back turned. She looked up at the moon, not even paying any attention to the man behind her. She grinned ever so slightly. She almost wished he would get angry with her. She missed the good old days. It was as if she was talking to...

No. She took a deep sigh. "You see why this tree is so important to me? The moon is perfect from here."

[nicotardle.]

"Wonderful for you," Kaige said dryly, running a hand over his face. All he wanted was some peace and quiet, some time to be by himself. It didn't look like that was going to happen now. He knew she wasn't trying to, but this girl was ruining his alone time. The thought of going back to his home occurred to him, but even though it was his home, it was still around other people. They weren't too close, but it was close enough to him that he didn't consider going home as 'alone time'. He had almost expected her to move on and find another tree, but that was wishful thinking; he knew better than that. And sure enough, she proved him right - she wasn't going anywhere.

With an exasperated sigh Kaige glanced skyward in slight annoyance, mumbling things under his breath. He felt the branch move ever so slightly as she climbed up on it, but he didn't lose his balance. He stood rooted in place, not planning on moving anytime soon. "I'm not too stubborn to move," he replied, staring off into the distance. "Maybe you're just too stubborn to find another tree. Ever think of that?" he asked, his smirk growing more prominent. He turned his gaze to the moon, then to the girl, then back to the moon as she continued to speak. "You're... serious," he said, sounding like he was holding in a laugh. A rude laugh at that. "The moon is your friend... and... a girl?" An eyebrow was arched and his smirk was full on. "You must be one sad little girl," he said, no longer able to contain his laughter.

"Wow! And I thought I was crazy!" he managed to say through his laughter, which rang throughout the forest. He had no idea why he found all of this so funny, but he did. He hadn't laughed, whether it be real or rude laughter, in awhile. It was strange. "Well...," he said as he began to contain himself and come back to reality, "I can say I feel a little better about myself now. There's someone in the world who has some severe issues, way worse than mine." He gathered his hair together and pulled it back in a messy ponytail, shaking out the loose strands. "Thanks for the laugh, lady." It was hard to tell if he was being genuine or sarcastic. He turned slightly and, even though it was a little ways up from the ground, hopped off the side of the branch and landed on the ground with such precision it was nearly inhuman. "It's clear to me that you and this tree... and the moon... have some sort of 'relationship' going on, so I suppose I'll leave you three alone," he said, almost snorting in laughter again.

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[::WOLFURchik::]

Salena smiled. His laughter only made her lips curl even further. As he leapt off the branch, she layed down on it, gazing up at the moon in complete comfort. She wanted to curl her tail around her... but oh yea, no more tail. "You're welcome." She simply told him, her eyes focused on the milky moon.

It was weird... after so long to have someone call her crazy, to act so rudely... it was homely to her. She had really missed it. "Sir, you remind me of someone I once knew a long time ago. He too was rude, and thought I was quite crazy." She smiled. "Thanks for that... for making me smile."

She pulled her arms under her head, using them as a pillow against the rough bark of the tree. For so long, she felt miserable and alien from the rest of the world. Who would have guessed that a man calling her crazy would have brought a smile out of her?

"I havn't smiled in some time... I think its been quite too long. If I die today, atleast I have smiled!" She glanced over at the feather blowings in her midnight black hair. How easy it would be to pluck it now... she could die with a smile on her face.

Salena let out a long sigh. "But... you don't know what you're talking about. I take it that you think very highly of yourself, hm? I'm not crazy. I just like to talk... who better to talk to that something that can't judge you in return? And I bet you aren't crazy either." She rolled over, holding her weight up with her hands as she peeked her head over the branch.

"You don't look crazy." Her blue bangs hung in her face, and she blew them away. Her eyes were bright, and golden, like wolf's eyes. Any normal human being would have said that she was stunningly beautiful. She didn't think so. She missed the fur, and the tail...

"My name is Salena. More or less." She informed him, rolling back over to stare back at the moon. Then just like that, her focus was on the moon itself, and she almost forgot completely about the man below her.

"Heya, moon. I'm thinking about him again... I know he has hurt me... but I forgive him. What else can I do? After all, he is long gone by now... Do you think he forgave me?"

Silence.

"Well... I wish I could move on, but I'm drawn to him, even after so many years. I forgive everyone now. I know it isn't healthy.... but maybe if I forgive enough people, then he will finally forgive me..." She closed her eyes. For a while, she just lay quietly, listening to the wind.

"On a wind.... life blows by... not a soul wont wonder why... what is life... what is death... Love floats by on a silver feather..." She sung into the wind. Her voice was soft, harmonious... and it carried on for miles, like a lonely wolf's howl, longing for a pack....

((wow that was a terrible post XDDD ))

[nicotardle.]

He was about to take a step to set off in another direction, but he paused as the girl spoke again. "Rude?" he asked with a snort. "You think that was me being rude?" He began to laugh in disbelief but quickly composed himself and shook his head. "If you want me to show you what rude really is, I can, but I'm not really too good at it when I'm put on the spot." He stood there for a moment as if he were debating on what to do next - move on, or stay and talk to some strange girl he didn't know. Normally, he wouldn't have even said more than a few words to someone if even that. He wasn't sure why he was even lingering in the first place. Was it because he spent most of his life, both wolf and human, in solitude and he was longing for some company? The thought made him laugh dryly to himself. It couldn't be that. He loathed being around people, didn't he? Or maybe...

"Actually, I don't think highly of myself," Kaige said, breaking free from his thoughts. "I really don't think much of myself in the first place. Never have, never will," he lied. He used to think highly of himself many years ago, back when he was a wolf. But that was when he was young and foolish. He didn't know what he was doing back then. Hell, he didn't really know what he was doing even now. He didn't want to dwell on it; he had too many problems as it was. "I am crazy," he said rather seriously as he looked up to her, his expression matching his tone. "I could tell you some things right now and you'd probably tell me I need to go to the mental hospital." His thoughts wandered back to his past and his gaze darkened. Sometimes he wished he could go back and change things, maybe do some things differently, but that was wishful thinking. "I'm not really proud of some of the things I've done, but there's not much I can do about it now. It's all in the past. What's done is done." He seemed to be talking more to himself than to her. He was lost in his own world, something that happened too often back when he was a wolf.

Kaige snapped out of it after a few moments and seemed to have forgotten he had been talking to someone else. "Salena...," he repeated after hearing her name. He looked at her with an arched brow and scratchedh is chin. "What do you mean by more or less? Is that not your real name? You have some sort of secret identity?" he asked, thinking back to his own name. He hadn't changed his much - just altered his last name a small bit, but that was it. He supposed he couldn't say much about it, but it wasn't a big deal. He didn't say much after that, only stood there in silence as his gaze wandered off to the distance. He listened to her speak to the moon, not knowing if it was rude of him to stand around and do so, but what did it matter to him? Why should he care? "Well...," he said a moment later, shifting his weight from one side of his body to the other. "I suppose I'll leave you be now," he said, still not making an attempt to move. "I'm Kaige, by the way."

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{Not-uh. xD}[/center][/blockquote]

[::WOLFURchik::]

"I'm Kaige, by the way."

Salena paused for her a moment, her eyes wide open. Finally, after hestitating, she rolled back over and dropped out of the tree, elegantly landing on her two feet. Any kind of calm, relaxed features she had before, were now replaced by anger and maybe even hatred. She stepped up to him.

"You think this is funny?! To come here and taunt me!?" She snapped at him. "To... to act like somebody I once knew... to bring back those memories, and then to use his name?! Who are you really?! Do you read my mind?! WHY do use that name?!"

Her breathing was heavy, almost jagged as if... growling? Not quite, but almost. Her fists were cupped together, and shook looked like she was about to take a swing at him.

After a moment, she let go of her fists, and her anger, and glanced away. She couldn't believe she had just went off on some stranger. "I-I'm sorry." She finally said, after remembering that humans shared names quite often Ofcourse somebody was going to have that name.But somebody that reminded her so much of him? It just wasn't fair.

"I really am. I.. I once knew somebody by that name. But... well... I don't know. That was years ago. You remind me of him, but you couldn't possibly be him. After all, the Kaige I knew..." She trailed off, not finishing her sentence except for inside her mind. 'The Kaige I knew wasnt a human, he was a wolf!' She reminded herself.

Salena turned away from him. "That... well, thats kind of why I talked to you. Its why you made me smile... you see, I miss him so much. He will never know it, but all this time... I never stopped thinking about him."

[nicotardle.]

At first, Kaige was taken aback by the girl's sudden burst of anger. What the hell did he do? "What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, looking at her as if she had lost her mind. At that moment, it hadn't registered in his mind that he knew this girl, but we would soon enough. "My name is Kaige," he said slowly, muscles tensing up as a sudden feeling, something he couldn't quite name, came over him. "No, I wasn't reading your mind... but I could if I wanted to." He wasn't going to add the last part in but he figured if she was going to act like a loon, why couldn't he do the same? "I'm... sorry if my name upsets you, but I can't help that I was given it when I was born." He was speaking slowly as something started to click inside his mind. It was all slowly coming together piece by piece. He would know soon, much too soon.

His body began to tense up as he crossed his arms over his bare chest, which rose as he inhaled deeply. He studied her expressions and body language, something he had been doing with humans since he had turned into one himself, but said nothing as she continued to speak. He was normally one who would interrupt, but for some reason he decided to listen for once. When she was done, he only stood there in silence. He didn't look angry. He didn't look surprised. He didn't look happy. He really didn't look like, well, anything. It was as if all of his emotions, all of his feelings left his body. He didn't even care to not care, he only wondered why his visions didn't show him that this was going to happen like they had with everything else. Maybe it worked differently now that he was human; he didn't know.

"The Kaige you knew was a wolf," he said, finishing the sentence she failed to complete. He hadn't gone into her mind, but he knew what she was talking about and that was him. There was no way she was talking about someone else with his name and past. "You're talking to me because I am him." He never would have thought in a million years he would ever come across Shinrin, now Salena, apparently, but here she was right in front of him just like he was right in front of her. He thought he would have felt angry, maybe even annoyed, but he still felt nothing. It was like he was an empty shell. He didn't know what to feel and he didn't know what to say, so all he said was, "I'm Kaige."

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[::WOLFURchik::]

Her heart began to thump uncontrollably. How could he be Kaige? That was impossible... he was a wolf. Then again, she had been a wolf, and now here she was, standing before him, human. She was confused, but more than that... well, actually, sure wasn't quite sure what she felt.

She stayed surprisingly calm on the outside, as if nothing had changed, but on the inside, she was screaming. What could she do?! If this really was Kaige standing before her now, what could she say? All of her past flew back into her memories. He hated her, didn't he?

"I..." She spoke up, her voice soft. "Don't know what you're talking about." She turned away from him, rubbing her arm to make the goosebumps go away. "Maybe you are crazy." She bit her lip. Lying about it? Was that her way of stopping something.... weird from happening?

Suddenly, she found herself becoming emotional. She hated it. She hadn't felt that way in almost a hundred years. Finally, she just couln't lie anymore. "Kaige... how is it that more than a hundred years have passed, and that we've become human... and here we are, our paths crossing yet again. It seems... impossible."

She still couldn't believe that it was him. Human... over a hundred years later. How was it even possible? Suddenly, she felt embarrased for everything she had said. What she had said... that she never stopped thinking about him... She didn't want to come off as sounding creepy.

She had followed him before, hunted him down, apologized, screwed things up time and time again, and lost him. She became a human to start over again, to find somebody new. And here Kaige was. It seemed that fate really had a sense of humor, sticking them together when Kaige had so obviously regretted ever knowing her.

What would she say to him? What could she say to him? She turned around to see if he was still standing there. When she got a good look at him, she could almost recognize her wolfish features. She wasn't just imagining things. He was standing right there. In all honesty, she didn't know what to say, so she just stood there... never feeling more akward. Her senses became sharper, almost expecting to have to react faster, or maybe just wanting to take everything in. Finally, she just blurted out what she was thinking.

"I... I don't understand."

[nicotardle.]

Kaige sighed quietly and covered his face with one hand, quickly moving it up to his forehead, squeezing it slightly as if something was bugging him. He hadn't really expected her to believe him, though he couldn't really blame her. Not seeing someone you knew for over a century, then running in to them later on down the road, completely different... he probably would have reacted the same way. In fact, the same thing that was happening to her was happening to him, yet he stood there feeling strange. Any other time he would have run into her, he would have freaked out but this time... he couldn't quite place it. Maybe he was just in a state of shock. He didn't know and he really didn't want to dwell on it.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about," he said as he shook his head. "I'm not crazy... not that crazy anyway." He was a little out of his mind, but not to the point where he was making things up that had to do with this girls past. He would have to be completely off his rocker and a mind reader to do all of that. And he was in a way, but not to the brink of insanity. He studied her momentarily as she rambled on, noting how she still had some of her wolf attributes, like her eyes. Had he paid attention to that before, he may have picked up on something but being how he was, he hadn't. Hell, if he had been paying even more attention to how she was talking, he would have picked up on her being who she was.

"If you think about it, nothing is really impossible. Things may be unlikely, yes, but not impossible. Anything is possible," he said, rocking back to the balls of his feet. It was a little odd that they had run into each other once more, especially now that they were human, but he still wasn't phased by it. Maybe changing into a human had done some good for him, but then again... "What is it that you don't understand?" he asked a few minutes later, shaking himself from the cloud of thoughts that polluted his mind. "What is there to understand?" He had been looking off into the distance, remembering things from their past, but brought his gaze to hers. "You're here in your new little form and so am I. We've run into each other once again. It's strange, yes," he said with a shrug, "but it's really not a big deal." Really not a big deal? Ha. If anyone knew him from before, they knew anytime these two ran into each other it was a big deal.

[::WOLFURchik::]

Salena frowned. She glanced down at the ground. No big deal? Is that all he thought it was? She would almost rather have him yelling at her, trying to kill her, than it just be no big deal. Fate had obviously brought them here, to this tree, this night, but why? Just so that Kaige could tell her no big deal? Maybe so she could agree, and finally get over him?

Well, despite what Kaige thought, THAT was impossible. If a hundred years wouldn't let her forget, then this certainly wouldn't. If anything, it would make her think about him more. After all, for so long, she thought that he was dead. But he was alive. As a human. Over a hundred years later.

But really, after all that happened during her life time, that was pretty much a normal occurance.

A gust of wind pushed her hair into her face, and she reached up and tucked it behind her ears. Why humans needed so much hair, she would never know. She hated how she was feeling now... weak, confused, and pathetic. Why did Kaige make her feel this way? He didn't used to. Kaige was the one who helped her overcome her shyness, and her fear.

"Kaige... this is a big deal." She argued with him. "I... I thought you were dead. I thought you had lived your life, and then you died. I thought I would never see you again..." She hadn't meant to say that. She didn't want to sound like she wanted to throw herself into her arms. Really, she didn't. She wasn't sure what to feel... angry that he never would even listen to her? Sad that he thought this wasn't a big deal? Or happy that after so many years, and so many changes, they finally were face to face again, and Kaige hadn't ripped her face off?

One thing she was sure of... she was confused. "Why havn't you yelled at me? Last time I knew, you hated my guts..." She frowned, glancing down. She felt like she wanted to puke. "Do you know... how much it hurt? Last time I saw you..." She shook her head. What was she doing? It was stupid to talk about it now. Sure, it was killing her inside, not knowing why he hated her... but at the same time, she knew it would just make things worse.

"Never mind. I'm over it." She lied. "I don't need to bring up old news..." She turned away from him and crossed her arms. "God, I feel so stupid!" She admitted. "I just...I really sounded crazy, didn't I?" She laughed slightly. "I must be... telling such things to a stranger, only to realize that it was... You."

((crappy post lol ))

[nicotardle.]

Was it supposed to be a big deal? He felt that it should be, but at the same time he also felt like it shouldn't be. It dawned on him then and he laughed for a moment, a real laugh that seemed to light up his dim gray eyes but it was only for a brief moment and then it went away like it had never happened. "Shinrin.. er.. Salena.. whatever you're going by now," Kaige began, thinking it was just a little strange calling her a different name now after knowing her by one for so long, "Don't you get it?" he asked as he looked down to his pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "It's not a big deal because this always happens to us." He flipped the lid open and pulled a cigarette out, placing it between his lips. "No matter who leaves, we always end up running into each other." He placed the pack back in his pocket and pulled out a lighter, lighting his cigarette.

"It's happened before, why wouldn't it happen again?" he asked as he took a long drag, making sure to exhale away from her general direction. "I mean, all of this right now kind of proves it," he said with a slight shrug as if it really didn't matter at all. "I guess that's why I don't really think it's a big deal, or why I'm really not surprised." He leaned back against the tree and crossed his arms over his chest, cigarette dangling between his lips. He knew why he wasn't shocked now. After saying what he said, it all made sense to him. He supposed he could accept it. Well, he was accepting it. He was still here talking to her... talking to her in a rather civil manner for once. She was probably weirded out by it and the thought caused him to chuckle a little more.

"You're a silly girl," he said after awhile, taking the cigarette from his lips and examining it. "I don't know why you would think I was dead." He took another drag, breathing in the toxic fumes. He didn't remember when he picked up smoking, or why he did, but it was something to do. Something to pass the time by. It was a stupid way to do so, but he didn't care. "Immortality is a curse," he said after awhile, both his tone and expression darkening as if a shadow had passed over. "I'll continue to live on as everyone dies. Unless..." He paused momentarily, looking up to the moon with some sort of longing that was unexplained. "Unless I die." He dropped his gaze back down to hers and smiled, though it was fake, but he had learned long ago how to put a mask on and make it seem like nothing was wrong. "It's kind of funny, huh?" he asked, adding in a chuckle, though like the smile it was fake as well.

"I'm immortal. I'm going to live forever because I can't die, but I can die." He wondered if this was confusing her, but he didn't dwell on it for too long. "There's only one way I can die." He didn't explain what the reason was and he wasn't going to. It was one of his fears. Not death, but what could kill him. He would never let anyone know. His thoughts wandered back to the past. If they were dead and he wasn't, that had to mean something. It confused him to an extent because he thought it was all real, but if they were no longer living and he was.... "I have no reason to yell at you," he said, shaking himself from his thoughts and coming back to reality. "I know I did all the time before, but I was young and foolish then. I was mad at the world and took it out on the wrong people. I never hated you either," he said, his tone serious. "I know it may have seemed like it, but I didn't. Other than myself, I've only ever hated one other living thing and he's no longer living so... I guess I hate no one. I was just mad, I suppose. Everyone I've ever needed has left me and, well, you did the same so..." He shrugged and gave a half smile.

"I've come to realize I don't need anyone. But I never really held a grudge against you. I've outgrown all of that stuff now. I'm over it. It's in the past. What's done is done." Finished with his cigarette, he pulled out a baggy and tossed the remainder of it inside and shoved it into his pocket. He wasn't like everyone else who smoked, tossing their cigarette butts anywhere and everywhere. At least he had a little class. "I'm sorry though," he said, being sincere. "I know sorry isn't enough, but it's a start.. right?" He was sorry and he was over everything that had happened between them in the past. It was done and over with and there was no changing anything that happened, so why not move on with their lives? "Don't worry about sounding crazy. Everyone sounds crazy some time or another. Sometimes more often than most."

He would know.

[/font][/blockquote]

[::WOLFURchik::]

Salena... Shinrin's... mind felt like the aftermath of a hurricane. Now she knew she wasn't going to let him walk away this time. Not without her telling him everything she needed to tell him. Before, she never got to finish what she was saying. Now that they were both alive... for like... ever... he had no excuse about time. And he obviously had no one to go home to.

In all honesty, she didn't think he had grown at all. He seemed even more immature... it was weird. She understood the feeling... no caring. After all, she had watched her daughter die, her friends die, her god pups die...every one she had ever known. And after a while... you just get numb. And for a while there, she was numb. She could walk right past a dying body and not even think about a thing. She just sort of... lived. No purpose. No reason. Not a care in the world. Numb.

But now, Kaige's arrival brought the nerves and pain spiraling back to her. It was as if... she was alive again. She felt anger, and pain, and confusion... and it was more than she felt in a long time.

The main reason she was so angry at the moment was that he didn't care about her anymore. At all. Not what she did, or what could have happened... he didn't care. That REALLY pissed her off. He became the most important thing in her life... and now she was no big deal to him. A common, tiny annoyance like a fly on your window. It made her feel small... unimportant. Ofcourse, before, that was no big deal... but now?

"I know what immortal means Kaige. I'm still alive aren't I? Its just that... after not seeing you for a while, I just... assumed it." I hoped for it. She didn't admit. It wasn't that she was so angry that she would have wished him dead, but it was a bit of a relief... believing he was dead. Believing that he would never be able to reject her again. But now here he was... and it was STILL a big deal to her.

She glanced down, too upset to even look at him. "Don't apologize to me." She spoke softely, almost sadly. All the years she had seen him, she was the one apologizing, but he would never listen to everything she had to say. Eventually, he broke her down to the point where she was more than depressed, more than angry. He owed her an apology. But for some reason... she didn't want it.

"If 'what is done is done' were true, then why is it that we keep meeting? Something has gone unfinished Kaige." Atleast, that is how she felt. She didn't really believe in fate... but there must have been some reason why they kept meeting. She didn't even try to hunt him down this time, and yet still here they both were.

She had so many unfinished words, that she didn't know where to start. She didn't want to bring back feelings of anger, and that wasn't her intention, but she had to speak to him. She had to tell him everything.

"If nothing else... I deserve the chance to speak. And answers..." She frowned. "Kaige... I know I wasn't the only one you ever loved but..." She bit her lip, her akwardness returning to her face, like it did so many years ago. And for as long as she could remember, she was Shinrin again. Not Mori, or Salena... Shinrin.

"Didn't I mean something to you?"

((uggggg terrible post! Dx ))

[nicotardle.]

"Assumed what?" Kaige asked, pushing a strand of hair out of his eyes. "That I was dead?" He chuckled at that, though there was no feeling behind it. "I'm sure a lot of..." His voice drifted off and his sentence remained incomplete. For a split moment, his expression was one of sadness. There was pain in his now dull gray eyes, but you had to be quick to catch it. A moment later his expression reverted back to what it was before as if the other one had never happened. He hadn't thought of everyone else until now. Over a century later he was still here, but they were all gone. It only just now occurred to him that he had no one left. They were gone forever, all dead. He felt a sudden pain, but it was nothing physical. It was depressing in a way now that he thought about it, but he couldn't let that be known or seen. He couldn't show any weakness.

"Okay. I won't say I'm sorry," he spoke up after awhile, attempting to put a mask on over his previous feelings. "I take it back then, if that's what you want. Forget I apologized." He was beginning to sound annoyed, but it wasn't because of her. He wanted to rid himself of the thoughts and feelings he just had not even five minutes ago, but they were haunting him just like all of his other memories. They were a curse just like his Seer abilities. "I don't know why we keep meeting," he said as he backed up against the tree. "Maybe it's all just one big coincidence. Maybe that's it." He knew better than to think that, but he had no idea why they kept coming across each other. Perhaps it was because they had ended too soon, or maybe they did have some unfinished business. He didn't know. Maybe she was right. He would never admit to that though.

He sighed quietly and brought a hand to his face, squeezing his forehead. "Ask whatever you want then," he said, sounding strained. "You've got me right here in front of you, so go ahead and grill me." He was doing what he could to keep his mask up, but it was beginning to crack. He didn't want to have a mental breakdown in front of her. No way. He had too much pride. He didn't say anything for awhile, just sat there and stared off into the distance for the longest time. He slid down against the trunk of the tree and brought his knees up to his chest, laid his head down upon them and wrapped his arms around his legs. When he spoke, he was quiet and his voice seemed muffled. "If you hadn't of meant anything to me, do you really think I would have put up with you? I mean, come on..." His voice drifted off and sighed heavily.

"You weren't... oh.. how do I word this?" He paused and attempted to think it over. He didn't want it to sound bad because he wasn't trying to be an ass, but he couldn't think of any other way to put it. "You weren't the greatest thing to put up with sometimes," he said a minute later, hoping she didn't take that the wrong way. "I know I wasn't that great either. I had a lot of moments too, but... you just kept... disappearing," he said as he shifted slightly. "You wouldn't even give me an explanation when you'd come around again. It was like you expected me to just forget about all of it and things would be just fine. And I know I was an asshole," he said, covering his head with his hands. "I was young and stupid back then. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't go about things the way I should have. I know I had an ass backwards way of showing it, but..." he paused, sounding defeated as he brought his head up and looked at her. "But if I hadn't of cared about you or loved you, I never would have given you the time of day."

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[::WOLFURchik::]

Shinrin glanced down, her eyes full of grief. She could remember the first time she had come across the previous alpha. She was so shy, so scared, so.... young. He was bold, couragous... a bit hot tempered at times she admitted, but it was nothing she couldn't handle. After all, everything else that happened in her life didn't even compair.

She never even had a family before joining Kaige's pack. He was all the family she had. He literally was her everything... she loved him. And then... Well. Maybe that was why they had met yet again... maybe it was time to tell him. Everything. She needed to stop apologizing and just tell the truth.

"I was...well how to put... wolf knapped." She tried to look away from him, ashamed to tell him, but she wouldn't allow herself. He needed to know. And he needed to know that she was telling the truth. She chuckled lightly. "Each time, actually. I never told you because I just wanted to leave it all behind me... I hoped that you would just take me back, let me get my mind off of the things that were happening with me."

She frowned. "That was stupid... but I was so young... You were my partner. My mate. My love. I should have known that you would have been there for me... instead, I made life even more miserable for the both of us." She took a long breath. Her memory was a bit shot, and she wasn't sure how much he actually knew about her, so she decided it was time to start from the beginning.

"I had three sisters... two of which were born before me, and one after. It was rumoured that the four of us would bring about great destruction if ever togther. So my mother seperated us... abandoned us. Which apparently is better than what my father would have done, since he wanted us dead." Ofcourse, that didn't bother her too much, considering that she didn't even remember her parents. At all.

"When word got around that I had become alpha female... they hunted me down. My sisters were stronger than me at the time. They wanted me to help them destroy the packs, and to create a new pack. I Didn't want that. I just wanted to be with you, so I left and went back to you. All that... the news that my sisters were evil? And I was supposed to destroy everything? It wasn't news that I wanted to hear, so I didn't bring it up. I tried to forget about it."

She took a long sigh. That was only the first part of it. "The second time... they wiped my memory clean of you and my life in the pack. They hoped that by doing that, they would be taking away everything I wouldn't let go. I still refused to help them. I didn't want to be evil. I didn't want to destroy the lives that so many others had worked hard to achieve."

"When I finally found you, it was as if all my memories rushed back to me. I felt so ashamed, but I was still too terrified to let you know about my sisters. I thought... I Thought you would hate me for it..." She shrugged her shoulders, as if it was no big deal, but you could tell from the look in her eyes that it was a huge deal to her, even after so many years.

"The third time..." She looked up and rolled her eyes angrily. To even have something like that happen to you THREE times? It was embarassing, and it made her especially angry. "I knew you wouldn't take me back... I Thought you were angry at me. It wasn't my sisters that time, it was some pathetic looking wolf... He promised me power. I thought, that with that... Maybe I could be a better alphess. Maybe I could fight off my sisters... make you love me again."

"That was when I returned as Mori... the odd wolf changed my whole appearence, and distorted my memory so that I could start again. Fall in love with you again, and that time, be the alphess that you deserved." She bit her lip. "It didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted... But I never blamed you for not taking me back. It wasn't fair to you."

She took a long, winded breath. "My sisters are dead now. So I've been alone. I was so angry at them... for ruining my life. But I've realized that the only one to ruin my life was me. If I had just told the truth..." She left her sentence open, and gazed up at the faithful moon.

If she had just told the truth, Kaige would have protected her. He wouldn't have let it happen a third time, or even a second time. They both would have died a long time ago, as a happy little family. But she had been so afraid that she was never good enough for him. Never strong enough. Never smart enough. Never alphess enough.

And yet, Kaige had known that. Shinrin walked into his pack as timid and shy as was possible. She stuttered. She was a clutz. She was young, and he loved her anyway. He took her as his mate, to be the alpha female. If she had really taken a look at her life and known sooner, she could have saved everything.

But she didn't. She messed it all up. Not a night went by when she didn't wish she could go back and fix it all. With all the special abilities and powers everyone always seemed to have... it didn't make sense that there wasn't a one who could take her back in time so she could fix everything.

"Kaige, I regret not telling you before. I regret a lot of things in my life... but I do not regret saving your life. I know how it is... to watch everyone you ever know die of old age while you stay the same. I hate it too. But if it wasn't for this... then I wouldn't have been able to see you now. I wouldn't have been able to say... to say..."

She glanced down, biting down on her lip with her slightly sharpened canine. "To say thank you." She looked up at him. "I was a weak wolf. I was a sad wolf. If even for a moment, you made me happy, it was the best moment of my life. You made me brave. I wouldn't be here today. I would have just let myself die. You saved ME. I never would have been able to take on my sisters if it wasn't for that tiny bit of courage you rubbed off on me."

She smiled sadly and glanced down again. "I owe my life to you. More than just my immortal life." She brough her hand up to scratch the back of her head; a bit more wild than most people would have done. "I... still can't believe that after over a hundred years and a change in species, here we are again. I know I don't deserve a fourth chance... but can you ever forgive me? "

[nicotardle.]

Kaige was silent the entire time she was speaking, staring up at the moon that hovered above them in the blackened night sky. It might have seemed like he wasn't listening, but he was. As she spoke of the past, memories rushed before him and he was reliving each moment as if they had just happened yesterday. He didn't try to block them like he normally would have. He just... accepted them. Maybe that's what he had to do with a lot of things. Maybe that's what he had to do with his past - just accept it. Maybe then he could move on. He wouldn't know unless he tried it. Even after she was done speaking, he still remained silent. He was thinking about one thing too many, sorting things out in his mind.

"Well," he spoke up some time later, staring right at her. "I wish you would have just told me. It would have made sense... I mean.. you were with me and everything."He spoke slowly in a tone that was neutral. He wasn't angry, he wasn't annoyed. For once in his life, he was being civil. It was something he should have been doing from the start, but there was no way he could go back and change it all. "But..," he said, rubbing his chin and dropping his gaze down to the leaf ridden ground, "but... I guess we all can't get what we wish for, right? We do things for a reason, even if that reason is completely stupid. We can't really change what happened. It all happened for some... reason. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, does it?" he asked, looking back to her with a quizzical expression. "Ah well," he said with a shrug. "It's all in the past now, so it doesn't matter. What's done is done." He pushed himself up from his sitting position, lightly brushed himself off and climbed back up the tree.

"At least I did something good for someone," he said with a crooked smile, one that almost reached his dim gray eyes. "Although," he said as he looked back down to her, "I really don't know how you took anything of what I did and made it seem... good. I wasn't the nicest guy. I was pretty stupid for going about things the way I did. But like I said..." He paused and looked back to the moon, a strange expression now on his face. "We all have some reason for doing things the way we do. Might not be right, but... well, we do them and there's nothing we can do to change them now." He shrugged once more, his expression changing once more like it always did and the crooked smile returned. "I guess we just kind of forget about it and move on. We start over... or something like that." He wasn't clear on what he meant by that and it was clear that he wasn't going to explain further on as he fell silent once more, sinking back into his sea of thoughts.

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[::WOLFURchik::]

It was so odd, not getting yelled at. It happened all the time back then... She had become used to it. Maybe she had accepted his anger. Maybe... she came to appreciate it? Infact, she had grown rather fond of his attitude. The change in him now was.... different. However, she still felt the same way for him. She didn't want to admit it, but her heart still beat faster just looking at him. Even in his human form. They both had changed so much, but that feeling towards him... it was the same.

A small smile twitched at the corner of her lips. "Kaige, you did a lot of wonderful things in your day. Don't ever doubt that. You were an amazing alpha, and a great companion. You kept your pack safe... you welcomed in strangers who needed a home. And most importantly... you loved. That is the best...good thing... you can do."

Her heart gave a small leap, and she looked away, feeling a bit embarassed by it. It was as if she was meeting Kaige all over again, her feelings rushing to her like a boat caught in the rapids. "Kaige, I... I don't want to say this is it. I don't want to say good bye. I don't want to just turn around and let it all disapear again. The truth is... I never stopped thinking about it. About how much I hurt you... and how much I missed you."

She realized she must have sound pretty pathetic, desperate even. But maybe she was. Desperate not to let him go again. Hopeful that he wouldn't be the one to walk off and disapear this time. "I'm sorry if I... am making you uncomfortable. I know I need to start telling the truth now. The whole truth. And the truth is Kaige....I..." She took a deep breath, the butterflies from her stomach caught in her throat.

"I never stopped loving you."

Her eyes dropped quickly to the grass beneath her feet, and she pushed the jet black hair out of her face, her precious feather blowing in the wind. She had never been to high school, or had a crush on the star quarter back. But if ever she felt like a shy teenager, it was right now.

[nicotardle.]

"I did a lot of good things?" he asked, laughing in a way that made it seem like he thought she was crazy. "If that's how you see it, then I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise. And the love thing? Even bad guys love something, so that's really not saying much." He fell silent then, thinking back to the ones he had previously loved. First there was Velia. Things seemed to be going so well and then she just... disappeared. Then there was Shinrin.. or.. Salena. Whoever she was now. Just like with Velia, things seemed to be going well. And then, just like Velia again, she disappeared. After that he was kind of fed up with love, but he stumbled across Kali. She had seemed different than the others and things were going well, but he had rotten luck. Just like the other two, things fell apart. At least she didn't just walk off on him though. He gave her that much. And thinking back on all of that, he realized the other two were probably long gone and no longer living. A sudden feeling of sadness overcame him, but he was unsure of why it was there.

"I doubt that even if we left this place right now and said our goodbyes, we'd run into each other again. I mean, I'm going to assume we're living in the same general area so.. chances are, we'd see each other again. Besides," he said, pausing momentarily. "It seems like I'm stuck with you anyway." He wasn't meaning for it to sound bad or to make her feel terrible, it's just how he saw it. "Because really, how many times have we separated and "run" into each other again? You're like one of those annoying flies that never leaves somebody alone. Wait..." He stopped and rethought what he had just said, chuckling quietly. "Well, maybe you're not like one of those flies. You're not always around, so you're not that annoying." It was clear that he was only kidding around and that what he was saying was not meant to be taken seriously. He hoped she knew that, but then again maybe she wouldn't. He was acting completely different from how he normally did.

When she spoke again, he didn't say anything for what seemed like a long time. He was quiet, thinking over things in his head. He had figured before that she was over him, but at the same time he knew better than to think that. "Eh...," he said after awhile with a quiet sigh. "I kind of... figured. I still have my Seer powers, you know." He pointed to his head and smiled faintly. "But I didn't go into your mind. I don't really need to for that. You'd probably have to... love me to keep coming back and putting up with my bullshit. It's not like I'm the nicest guy in the world, nor have I really ever been." He didn't say anything more after that, just merely stared off into this distance with a blank expression. Love was something he wasn't really sure about anymore. He had kind of given up on it, especially after all that had happened with him. He wasn't sure about giving it another chance and there was no way in hell he would ever admit that his fear was just that... love.

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[::WOLFURchik::]

Shinrin passed over his joke, it was an unimportant matter. What she was hoping for... was some indication that he maybe still liked her back. Or anything kind of answer. Even a rejection. At least a rejection would have been straight forward. Instead, his response was more of a "well duh. What about it?" She almost felt as if he was making her feel like it meant nothing.

Kaige had changed. A lot. But this wasn't the first time this had happened. The first time she explained Kaige her feelings, he had acted the same way. Until he finally accepted them, and returned them. The truth was, she wasn't sure what to do next. So she just explained to her ex that she still loves him. What next? It wasn't like he was going to drop everything and take her back.

The feelings she felt.... they never really left her. Last time she hoped that she had gotten over them, she was pregnant with a dying wolf's pup. She never really loved him. She just wanted to help him. She gave him that little bit of hope, up until the day that he died. When he was gone, Shinrin went straight back to thinking about Kaige again. Thinking about when they would lay together, happy... Think about what could have been...maybe even what kind of father he could have been...

But Kaige obviously didn't want this. Kaige had changed. He couldn't trust love anymore. What had happened to Shinrin wasn't her fault, but she had neglected to tell him, and that hurt him. It ruined him. It was her own fault that he had given up on love. That he seemed so... sad.

"I... never meant to hurt you Kaige. I never wanted you to go. The life I had with you... it was the only life I truly ever had. And now that you are back... I... I just don't know what to do. I... I tried to get over this feeling. To let you go... but..."

A small tear formed in the corner of her eye, and she angrily wiped it away. "Damn it!" She said out of frustration, hating ever ounce of herself. Why couldn't she get over herself?! Why couldn't she just leave him alone?! She clentched her teeth, breathing angrily through her nostrils, not at Kaige, but at herself. "I just can't Kaige! You were the only one... The only..."

She turned away from him, disguisted with herself. Afer all these years, she still couldn't let him go. She still couldn't get over him. It was so stupid. It should have been easy! After all, he got over her a long time. She wasn't his first. She wasn't the best. Infact, they were only together for a short time. She obviously meant nothing to her anymore... but he was all she ever had. He was her first. The one that got away. The one she never could get out of her mind, and she hated herself for that. Once again, she felt weak... broken, and pathetic.

Maybe she hadn't changed much after all.