nicotardle.
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The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all ~
Posts: 101
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Post by nicotardle. on Oct 26, 2010 12:47:48 GMT -5
At her sudden outburst, Kaige blinked, taken aback. He wasn't sure what he did wrong, or if he had even done anything wrong in the first place. Did he say something he shouldn't have said? Maybe he shouldn't have joked around? He thought it might lighten the mood, maybe be a nice change from all of his outrageous outbursts he used to have back when he was younger and foolish. "I... don't really understand...," he said slowly, clearly confused. "Am I doing something wrong here? Is it... is it because I'm being civil? Because I'm not yelling at you? Because I'm... different? I'm not sure I'm following you... I thought we were doing alright." He glanced at her briefly, a frown forming across his lips. "I'm sorry I'm... not the same as I was? People change, you know." His frown deepened and he turned his head away, feeling slightly confused and slightly annoyed.
"Oh... wait..." It suddenly dawned on him then. This little outburst of hers only came because he didn't say what she probably wanted to hear. She just told him she loved him, but he didn't say it back. He made a noise, something that sounded like "huh", and shook his head. "I get that you're sorry and everything, but... what do you want me to do? Say that I still love you too and not really mean it?" He was trying to stay calm, but he was beginning to freak out though it wasn't nearly as bad as how he used to. "Do you want me to lie to you? Is that it? I'm sorry, but I can't do that and I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to lead you on just so you'll have what you want." He wasn't trying to sound angry, or trying to make her feel stupid. He was just... dumbfounded? Bewildered? He didn't know what he felt at that moment.
"Look...," he began, trying to go back to his civil manner. "I'm not saying we'll never be together again, but I'm not saying we WILL be together again. I can't see into the future." He paused and thought that over. "Well... I can to an extent, but you know what I mean. It doesn't happen like that. We just came back into each others lives... I'm still trying to adjust to that." He fell silent then, trying to figure out how to word the rest of what he wanted to say without it sounding bad and without hurting her feelings. He had the feeling that was going to happen anyway, but it was better than lying to her. He wasn't going back to his old ways. "I'm sorry, Shinrin.. Salena.. I don't know what to call you... But right now..." He sighed heavily, now seeming somewhat down. "Right now... I can't give you what you want." [/font][/blockquote]
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Post by ::WOLFURchik:: on Oct 27, 2010 12:21:11 GMT -5
"Kaige I just wanted..." She paused, bitting her lip. "Well I don't really know what I wanted. Just an answer. I never asked you to take me back, and I never expected it. I can't even forgive myself, I don't expect you to change your mind." She let out a long sigh. "After so many years... I havn't changed at all..."
She looked down at her hands. She missed having paws. She missed having fur. It was a weird feeling... she just missed being a wolf. But despite having changed on the outside, she was exactly the same on the inside. Broken... sad... just plain messed up.
"Kaige I'm not mad because you don't feel the same toward me anymore. I'm angry with myself. I can't stand being me. I hate me. I don't know why... I don't know how to change it... I just... Ihate being over emotional. I hate that I can't get over things. I HATE it. I wish there was just an easy way... to..."
She reached up and grabbed hold of her feather. How easy it woud be to rip it from her hair and throw it onto the ground. To disapear. To never have to bother anyone ever again. She closed her eyes. "Damn... I am... an emotional wreck." She slowly let go of her feather, dropping her hand to her side.
"Crazy, I suppose." She said, laughing only slightly. "I'm a fucking psycho." She dropped her eyes. "Kaige, you could never give me what I want..." She said, beginning to walk away from him. Her eyes were getting heavy, and she was tired of standing there. "What I want... is to take everything back, to never have exsisted in the first place. No one can give me that."
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nicotardle.
VIP Member
[M:0]
The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all ~
Posts: 101
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Post by nicotardle. on Oct 27, 2010 12:49:43 GMT -5
"I know, but I just thought I'd tell you... you know... so you don't get your hopes up or anything." Kaige sighed and jumped down from the tree once more, landing perfectly on his feet without a sound. He felt bad, but he wasn't sure why. Was it because he felt sorry for her? Was it because he felt sorry for himself? Was he even feeling sorry in the first place? His thoughts were wrapped around his mind like a python wrapped around a rat. It was almost suffocating like that as well. He suddenly felt overwhelmed, but again he had no idea why. "Sure you have... you said I helped out somewhat, right?" he asked, frowning slightly. "I'm only messing it up for you because I'm right here in front of you. I bet if I wasn't, you'd be just fine." He paused, his frown deepening. "But then again, what do I know? Not a lot...," he said, answering his own question.
He studied her momentarily, wondering what was going on through her mind. He could easily get in there and see for himself, but he wasn't about that anymore. He didn't feel like prying into someone's personal thoughts and feelings without them knowing. It was an invasion of privacy. He could, however, sense a little bit of what she was feeling. "You miss it too, huh?" he asked, dropping his gaze to the ground. "I kind of do as well. Things seemed a lot easier then even though they really weren't." He kicked at the ground and shoved his hands into the depths of his pockets. Maybe things were a little easier as a wolf than as a human. He honestly couldn't remember a whole lot anymore, just bits and pieces and whatever came back to him in his memories.
"I never said I didn't... feel the same.. I just..." He stopped speaking and sighed heavily. He didn't really know what he felt anymore. It was all a mix, not just one thing. "You just need to learn to not care anymore," he said a minute later, his gaze still on the ground. "You've gotta let go and move on. Hanging on to things really doesn't make it better. It'll just drive you to the brink of insanity." He paused and laughed an empty laugh, shaking his head. "I should really take my own advice, huh? I'm probably just as bad as you are, only in a different way. Maybe we're both a lost cause." He shrugged. "But you not existing? You shouldn't be so down on yourself. Everything happened for a reason, even if that reason was stupid. I mean come on, we're back in each others live for some reason? Obviously something is going on here. What it is, I don't know, but it's all part of the plan." He really didn't know what he was talking about anymore. It probably seemed like mindless rambling to her. Maybe he was starting to lose his mind too. [/font][/blockquote]
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Post by ::WOLFURchik:: on Nov 5, 2010 10:22:34 GMT -5
Shinrin allowed a short chuckle to escape her lips. "I thought you didn't believe in all that "what is meant to be" crap." She dropped her eyes and sighed. She knew what he was telling her to do. She had been told to do it so many times. But it was hard... to change yourself. To become something you just simply are not.
Shinrin always cared. Even the slightest things made her worry about harming somebody. That was her greatest fear. She tried her best to go through life with out offending anyone, without making anyone angry with her, without making anybody sad. Her goal was always too high... it was impossible to go through life without offending or hurting somebody. And yet, Shinrin tried. That was the type of person she was. And when she failed.... she really beat herself up. She blamed herself for everything, before anyone else could even blame her.
She had been told to try and "not care" but she couldn't do it. That wasn't the type of person she was. She didn't want to stop caring. Even though it hurt herself, she loved being able to help others, even if they didn't thank her for it. This type of thinking was completely selfless.... unfortunately, Shinrin was so selfless, that she came to the point where she saw herself as worthless.
The one time she felt like she might have been worth something was when Kaige had been with her. Kaige made her feel like she had never felt before... loved. Useful. She longed for that feeling again, but had never been able to find it. She loved Kaige, and she needed him... but at the same time, she had hurt him, and felt that she didn't deserve that love anymore. It was a horrible feeling, and no matter how many people would tell her to change it... she just.. didn't know how to.
"Maybe you were right before... what if this was all just coincidence? I don't want to waste your time. I'm sorry..." She glanced down. "I'll leave... if you would prefer that."
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